That mindfulness is good defense against a slippery slope scenario in which too much fantasizing wears down one’s defenses and starts making behavior that was once verboten seem acceptable. These particular thoughts that you mention are endowed with morality as the resolution to never act on them comes baked in-it’s not even like they are unchecked. We get a fair amount of questions like this to the column, and I think what underpins the query is a puritanical anxiety over “impure thoughts.” Well, even if there is such a thing, impure thoughts never hurt anyone, other than perhaps the person who has them, and that hurt generally comes in the form of shame. It can be a useful way to sort out potentially disruptive feelings, and a good way to vicariously experience what you cannot actually experience. How to Do It is a thought-crime-free zone.
Thou Shall Not Covet Your Brother’s Wife Is it OK to fantasize (and masturbate) often and in great detail about someone who is definitely off-limits, so long as you resolve never to act on it in real life? Think your kid’s teacher, a boyfriend’s friend, or your brother’s spouse. Please solve this discussion in my friend group. You should otherwise leave it alone and let the kids wonder. You can, though, let your husband know what your kids said so that he can consider whether his secrecy is still the best course of action here. Don’t threaten to disrupt that by inviting in disinterested parties that could judge or raise issues. From every angle, its players are content. As far as they know, your husband has a close friend that he often spends time with and you’re completely OK with that. They don’t have to know or understand everything that isn’t their business.
Your kids are curious and maybe even speculating about your husband’s sexuality-let them. Going against his wishes and describing the situation to your kids would be outing him, and not even the most agile mental gymnastics could justify doing so here. It’s not up to you to explain this to your kids-that job is for your husband, and if he doesn’t want them to know, you should respect that.
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